Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Lava Flow

Today was not a good day for Theo.  He got upset over the slightest issues, wasn't happy even when he got what he wanted, and whined when he didn't.  

Of course, it didn't help that we woke up late this morning and had to shove food in his mouth before preschool AND finish his homework (tracing the letter B).  Theo didn’t feel like eating breakfast, and was taking tiny bites while absentmindedly “tracing” the letter B.  And he can write the letter B just fine.   

So I was angry.  Really angry.  I was so frustrated I yelled, “Theo, you are NOT a good eater.”  But then he looked up at me with his sheepish little face, looking slightly confused and a little bit sad.  So I quickly yelled, “But you are a VERY GOOD BOY.”  (in the same tone of voice as the first statement.)  No wonder Theo’s acting crabby and weepy today.  I’ve never yelled at him before.  It can be very confusing to live with an angry adult.  
Later in the morning, something hit me (which of course you all know by now.)  I am angry.  Too often.  I think my anger is like lava flow on the Big Island, slowly streaming under what looks like hardened rock, yet sending tell-tale sky-high plumes of thick steam when reaching the ocean. 

Especially since Vincent died (actually, since he was initially diagnosed,) I find that my frustration erupts at odd moments.  Sometimes I don't even realize that my anger's just there, always there, slowly rising, ready to surface at any moment.  And I find myself and the ones I love innocently stepping where we think will be rock, only to find red-hot lava licking at our feet.     
That really stinks.  For everyone.
Of course, that leads to the question why.  Why am I so angry?  (Sorry, that’s just a rhetorical question folks! :)  I can’t address that question here because it has simply too many answers.  
Some of you have wondered whether or not I’m angry at God.  Surprisingly, I’m not.  But I am trying to take all my anger and express it to God, because I know that if anyone can handle my anger, it’s him.  If anyone can handle my feelings of frustration, of betrayal, of disappointment, of victimization, it’s him.  If anyone can handle raging, fury, crying, wailing, cursing, it’s him.  He’s seen all that before, carried all my pain and anger before I was even born.  These emotions are not new to God, nor is he easily fazed or surprised.    
In 1881, Hawaii's King Kalakaua visited Thomas Edison in New York to discuss the idea of harnessing volcanic power and channeling it between islands via underwater cables to create electricity.  While it wasn't feasible at the time (they ended up using hydropower), the Big Island now uses the volcano's geothermal energy to help power the island. 

Apparently, boiling magma can be harnessed and used for constructive possibilities. 
For someone carrying this much heat beneath the collar, that's great news indeed.  

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