Sunday, February 20, 2011

Grief Journal: February 11

I can’t even begin to describe the way I feel.
Sometimes I’m in good spirits.
Sometimes I’m raging.
Most days I physically feel broken... I can’t swallow, my stomach hurts, I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds.  I feel wrong.  And wronged.
But then, even a few days later, I can be just fine.  Laughing, buying Apple products, drinking iced tea, watching a movie with Dan.
I feel like I have a split personality.  Even though on the one hand I feel so close to Vincent, (as if he was literally a part of me!)  I can go for the entire day purposely not thinking about him.  Because actually remembering him, allowing myself to think about him and our life together, watching his videos and looking at his toys makes me feel crazy.  Now I know I need to let myself feel, even if the ensuing emotions are extremely painful, but I just don't have the energy for it.  Grieving is a lot of work.  So instead of really remembering and thinking about Vincent, when the crushing feelings build, I simply say his name, groan out his name. "Vincent. I. Miss. You."  
I’m very careful when doing this to NOT actually remember him, not to summon up his face, his grin, our devastation at his diagnosis, the hope of his possible recovery, the memories of his drawn-out death. I’m not thinking about any of this.  I’m just saying his name out loud.
But if I were to sit down and remember Vincent nursing, laughing at me, reading his books, playing with his brother Theo, watching baby einstein, then I would be inconsolable.  So all I can say is his name.  Vincent.  
Don't get me wrong, I WANT to remember Vincent exactly the way he was.  I’m scared that one day I won’t be able to immediately conjure up his smile and his face from memory, I’m scared that I’ll lose track of how old he'll be turning each year.  I’m afraid that if I follow my self-preservationist instincts I’ll do myself the even greater disservice of forgetting exactly what Vincent was like, forgetting many memories of our time together.  Not because I don’t want to remember him, but because it’s simply too painful to do.


Anonymous said...

Welcome to the blogosphere, bird!

Vincent was such a great kid with a great mom.

Anonymous said...

I agree.

jlf1286 said...

I've learned that in communication, our brains are thinking somewhere around 1000 words a minute- though we can only vocalize about 100 words a minute. So as people, we want to say exactly what we're thinking, but it literally is physically impossible to do so.

I guess just mouthing "Vincent" is the perfect way to express what you're thinking.


Peter & Bindu said...

Rebecca, I have thought about and prayed for your family often in these past few weeks/months. I know we have not met, but it is nice to hear about how you all are doing. Thank you for your willingness to share your raw emotions with us. ~ Bindu (daughter-in-law of Roy Wong)

Deanna said...

Love you, Becca! Pray for you and your family often.

Unknown said...

Becca, thanks for sharing your ongoing grieving process, in such a real and compelling way. I've been thinking about you and praying for you all. As March approaches I recall hearing his diagnosis for the first time, with Linda and Amy standing at the door of our flat and us crying in disbelief, and crying out to the Lord.
Love and hugs to you, Dan & Theo.
-Auntie Sylvia

Anonymous said...

I love your honesty. Praying for peace. I'm crying with Friend.

Benjamin said...

Dear Sis

Dear Sister Becca, Shalom of Almighty God covers you as water covers the sea. We continue in prayer for you and will keep it up.

Benjamin Gurung,
Bhutan Email.