Monday, February 21, 2011

Rant: February 15

A year ago I had two children, a decent job with good career developing opportunities, and a stressed marriage.  Here I am now, almost 30 years old, with no job, one less child than a year ago, and a frazzled marriage (I guess some things don’t change easily).  I’m “supposed” to be enjoying the rise of my career, the development of my children, and the fruits of my marriage.  At this point in my life I’d love to own something larger than my Nissan Altima, like a little condo or house, or at least have a masters degree.   

I feel like I’m getting older, but not getting closer to achieving anything.  My favorite authors are around the same age as me, and what is happening to my career?  Where are my opportunities?  I feel like God owes me something after taking Vincent (and I guess my job too) from me.  (I know he doesn't, my theology isn't that bad, it's just what I FEEL like.) 

What am I supposed to do now?  Read mystery books all day long?  Write journal entries that no one is going to read?  I’m mad and frustrated and lonely.  And frickin‘ devastated.  

God, please open an window for me before I suffocate in my own crap.  

9 comments:

Jan said...

I pray that that door/window/peephole...anything opes for you, as you really are a ray of sunshine. You may not feel that way, and I am sorry for that.but I want you to know that you really do give off a sense of love...thank you for being in my life

John S. DePasquale said...

Hi Rebecca,

I've prayed for your family since I heard of your situation. I never knew what to say, but supported you in prayer from afar. Please forgive me for staying silent; I didn't know what to say. I can really appreciate your openness, it reminds me so much of the book of Psalms, and the openness of David. You have challenged and strengthened me and my faith more times than you could know. I do not pretend to know the emotions that can come from dealing with something so intense, but I feel compelled to share something quick with you after reading your blog.

I know that you are older than I am and my life does not compare with yours at all, but I'm turning 26 in a week and expected to be much further along in my life than I am right now, too. I find myself often frustrated with the seeming delay, and sometimes regression, in the impact I hoped to have made with my life so far.

I recently heard a message that I want to share with you. The text is Matthew 4. The setting is the wilderness. The main character is Jesus... alone... in the wilderness. The only company Jesus has, Matthew refers to as "The Tempter". Satan, the father of lies, begins to challenge Jesus in some very creative ways.

He begins to challenge the very identity of Jesus, challenging him twice, saying "If you really are the son of God...then PROVE it". He throws similar challenges at us in our wilderness, "If you really are anointed... If you really are a good worship leader... If you really were created to make an impact". The second half of the question is always the same, "prove it". This whole line of questioning implies that our identity is tied to some kind of "works", or whatever our resume says. We know in our hearts that this is wrong, but we often begin to believe it anyway. We begin to look at our accomplishments and allow them to determine our value and worth. Our worth comes from the price paid for us.
Jesus didn't believe it for a second. He knew who He was. Your identity can be traced to one thing, and one thing only... Your place in the family of God. You were adopted, grafted into the family of God. You are a co-heir with Christ, regardless of the works of your hands. Whether you want to be or not, you will always be the daughter of your parents. No choice, no action, no "works" could ever change that just as much as they could never "prove" it. It is the same with God. You are always His, unconditionally.

Isaiah 43:1 says "But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine."

John 1:12 says, "But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name."

Again, I don't pretend to know the feelings, the thoughts, and the deep issues of your life. I do know that we share one thing above all... we are both children of God. As people with ambitions and with the drive to see them realized, we will walk through the wilderness often. I encourage you to remind yourself who you are; you are God's. This can't be changed or disproved by any accomplishment or lack thereof. There's something relaxing about that.

I pray that you find rest in the fact that you are His, and He is yours. I love you sister! And I pray you be strengthened to know who you are, regardless of who you THINK you aren't. I love the message version of Philippians 4:13, the "I can do all things through Christ" verse. It says, "Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything, in the One who makes me who I am". Your identity and your strength rest in "the One who makes you who you are." Keep preaching, you have a voice and something powerful to say.

"God credits righteousness apart from works..." Romans 4:6

Your brother in Christ,
John DePasquale

jmilbeltran said...

i'm listening, and is not answering you point by point, coz i know you know most of the answers already... You are just expressing yourself like Job did. Like him, we will eventually say in the end, "blessed be the name of the Lord..."

Tana~ said...

Rebecca,

My heart aches for you, I feel your pain,I know what it feels like when you say you feel like your drowning. These are such hard times and how I wish I could wave a magic wand to give you peace or say something that would make a difference. Yet, I can't. I know there are many like me who will lift you up in prayer asking God to open a window and that His light would be shed abroad in your heart and that the pain would do the work and accomplish in you something so great that if you knew you would never believe it possible. Night is here but Morning always comes, hold on, Morning is coming and it will be awe-inspiring.

Rebecca said...

Hey guys, thank each of you for such encouraging comments!

John, the last sermon I actually preached at our church was from Romans 8:12-17, on being adopted as God's children... (and the first one I preached was on the Annunciation, where Mary says "yes" to God's will, and God is able to through her "yes" literally birth himself into our world.

I've been reminded a lot on how our acceptance of God's will enables him to be incarnated in our world. We'll see how that actually works out in our case!!

James said...

Becca, thinking of you three tonight and counting the days until you come. Just know you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers. I won't lie and say I know what you're feeling, because I just can't imagine what you really are feeling at this moment. All I can do is offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Right now I am sending a virtual hug your way. I'm praying right now that God will continue to give you strength. We love you guys.

Dan S. said...

Now that, my friends, is how to rant!

Oh, and sorry about the Altima, honey. At least it's paid for and gets us from A to B...

Rebecca said...

Oh, Dan S, I love you!

Benjamin said...

Dear Rebeca,

Most of us feel the same thing when we going through such a valley of darkness as you are going. I am a Pastor but in this case I don't want you to act very spiritual as the Scripture says in Matt. 4.4 man shall not live by bread alone but the Word proceed from the mouth of God. It means that the intention of God for us to live our life in balance. We are with you in this situation and whatever you are feeling is not amazing for us. But there is other side of the life too. When I go through such kind of desperate hours I always remember Rom. 8.28 where we see "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." It means there is plan and purpose of God in every situation of our life. God will bring good through our bad. In order to make pure gold it should be go through fire. Other part I remember in Jeremiah 39.17,18 God instructed to the king Zedekiah to surrender himself without fighting to the hand of Babylon's princes, to be saved from Chaldeans which will be the worst. Sometime God let the problems come in our life to save us from bigger problem. There is light of the day after every darkness of night. God will restore you, alongwith the job one day, be patient and trust on the Lord. We have nothing to do help you except promising you to continue you in our prayer specifically. May God help you.

Yours In Him Service,

Benjamin Gurung, Bhutan