Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I Really Don't Mind

I’ve found that after someone close to you dies, most people don’t ever want to bring up the subject.  Have any of you noticed that?  

Very few people in my life seem to want to talk about Vincent.  When I was on the phone the other day with one of Vincent’s old babysitters, she actually referred to him as “your second son.”  What is it about saying his name, about bringing the subject up that is so hard?  I’ve been surprised by how many people are just acting now like nothing happened, and actually go out of their way NOT to talk about Vincent.  Perhaps they are afraid that if they talk about him, I’ll either start crying, or it will somehow make me feel more sad than I already am.  My conversations used to be dominated by the subject of Vincent - what he’s doing, how he’s feeling, how his treatment is going - and after he died, that all stopped.  All we had left to talk about him were our memories of him, and some of them were pretty painful.  
But I’d rather talk about him than not.  One of darling teachers at Theo's preschool (you know who you are Mrs. Nancy!!) talks to me about Vincent.  She asks me if he was similar in personality to Theo, what he liked to do, how they used to relate.  She talks to me about his birthday and what I will do on that date this coming year.  I love that.  Just because he died doesn’t mean we can’t talk about him anymore.  He’s still just as pivotal to my life now, dead, as he was alive.  


Unknown said...

So glad that you wanted to talk about Vinnie! I've heard people say what you just commented on your blog..about how people aren't too sure whether to say something or not. But I thought, "I KNOW she wants Vinnie to be remembered, and if she doesn't want to talk about him today, she will tell me."
--Mrs. N

Anonymous said...

I actually just found your blog from your last CaringBridge Journal post. I want you to know that you are still in our thoughts and prayers.

I think your probably right about people not talking to you about Vincent...maybe they just needed to read here that you do want to talk about him...even if it does make you cry. I'm glad that you are writing/blogging your thoughts. Thank you for letting us continue this journey with you...and when we don't know what to say, we'll be praying!

Rebecca said...

Oh, I'm so glad you made it here! Thanks for keeping up with our family, that really is encouraging for me!

Jan said...

like we were talking last night...I want to know about vincent...I want to laugh at his beautiful smile and silly things that he did. I never met vincent, but in watching Theo...whom I have seriously fallen in love with...I want to know everything about vincent. I have found that with all of the losses that I have witnessed...all moms and dads want to light up my life with stories of VINCENT!!!!

Melissa Bailey said...

Thanks so much for starting this blog, Becca. For both you and Dan it's nice to have a way to stay connected with you as we continue to learn more about Vincent through your writings. I wish we could have met him! We look forward to seeing you all when you come to Chicago next month.