Last week Theo threw up while we were finishing dinner. It looked really gross, all dark and runny from our shepherds pie w/ barbecue sauce dip. I was so proud of myself because I caught all the puke in the cup. No splatter. (isn’t this the grossest post ever?)
These days I get so proud of myself over the littlest things. I rearrange the bookshelf and think it looks awesome. I get a craft prepared for Theo the night before and marvel at my foresight. I read a non-mystery book and pat myself on the back. I have so much grace for myself, and yet almost none for other people.
Why am I being so witchy? (don’t answer these questions, please!) Why can’t I give Dan the amount of grace I give myself? Why are my expectations of him so high? Why do I demand so much from God?
I hate the fact that grief can make me so self-centered, so needy, so demanding. I want my grieving to be about Vincent, about how wonderful he was, about how much we’ll miss him, but instead it has triggered all these other emotions. I know that’s normal, but I don’t like it. I know that after you lose someone important to you, you start realizing all the “secondary losses” that their death has also incurred.
It seems that each week that goes by reveals more secondary losses caused by Vincent’s death. I gravitate towards families that have 2 kids, yet they can only see 1 of mine. I’m never going to be able to bring Vincent to preschool, or see his face light up when I come to pick him up. I can’t hold his hand as we walk across the road together. When I drive in the car now I can’t see his face in the backseat mirror. I am no longer a breastfeeding mom, or a working mom, for that matter. I won’t be able to take a picture of the first time he poops in the big boy potty (I told you this was a gross post, isn’t it!) There are literally thousands of things that I lost along with Vincent, and I'm just beginning to realize what they all are.
And then, just when I feel I’m doing better, another secondary loss surprises me and once again I’m in shambles.
There were a few good days in this past week, I guess I should just be thankful I don't feel worse.