Saturday, June 11, 2011

Frustrated

I'm so over grieving.

I wish there was something else for me to talk about, think about. I'm tired of hearing myself talk about the same things, go through the same emotions, replay the same tapes in my head.

Frankly, it's annoying me. I'm bored with myself.

But every morning I wake up and realize that our family is still short one person. I freak out at the airport when I can only find 3 passports until I remember there are only three of us here now. I cannot escape or move past this grief. I am fully aware I will live with it for the rest of my life. It is as if I have an amputated limb -- it will never grow back, but with help, I can learn to walk again.

Is there a new song I can sing? A song that embraces my pain yet moves beyond it, a song that doesn't deny my feelings of loss but instead utilizes them, a song shaped by fear but filled with faith?

Hopefully the cavernous hole my son's death left in my heart will become a lake teaming with life.

It needs to happen soon, because my patience is running out.

3 comments:

AMKreations said...

=(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8&feature=fvwrel

Love you and praying for you to have a new song to sing...and that you have the endurance to continue until it fully envelops your being!

(((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

You said it exactly- it's just like an amputation. Something is missing. But you will function again. And maybe you'll be the one to write that song...there's a lot of us who need to sing it.

Anonymous said...

I think what you going through is part of the grieving process. I believe it is very common to feel the way you are feeling. Just know that it is part of the process and you are okay. I know it is tiring and emotionally draining at times, but I know it will get better. You will never forget Vincent, how could you? You are doing fine. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling the way that you do. Hang in there Rebecca.