Wednesday, May 4, 2011


These past few weeks our three and a half year old, Theo, has been having a difficult time.  I might have mentioned recently how he talks about Vincent all throughout the day, how he wants to be in heaven too, and how he wants to see Vincent and play with him.  He's been very lonely.

Then he asks me if I can have a baby in my tummy like Aunty Marti (one of our very-pregnant friends!) Or he'll point at pregnant people at the store and say, "I want you to have a baby like them." He really, really wants another sibling.

Or a pet. 

Since the pet is out of the question (seriously folks, we're awful, awful pet people!) that doesn't leave many other options. 

Dan and I have been talking about trying to have another baby for quite some time now.  I'm finally ready to start trying, fully knowing that this potential baby will in no way ever be able to replace the ache of losing Vincent.  In fact, I know that having another child could in fact make us miss Vincent more, if that's even possible.  But it could be healing as well, holding and loving another child, knowing that our family will be less empty as our nest fills up.  We'd be able to watch the kiddies interact with each other.  And once again we would have the pleasure of squeezing two car seats into the back of our Nissan Altima.     

Our family has had many things taken from it.  First we lost Vincent, then we lost our captured memories of him on our computers and cameras.  

Perhaps it's time we started adding to our family.  

...But first I have to have a darn mammogram.  

Turns out my body has refused to accept that Vincent is dead, and each month around the anniversary of his death it starts acting crazy.  My doctor ordered a mammogram for May 9th just to be sure everything's OK.  Woohoo.  I'm 11 years away from the age of 40 and never thought I'd be undergoing uncomfortable medical procedures like mammograms at this age! 

Then again, I'm sure there are many things in each of our journeys we never thought we'd be doing.  


Anonymous said...

Well, I will be thinking of you Rebecca...and praying that it is absolutely nothing!

Also that God, in His perfect time, would increase your's & Dan's quiver...children are such a blessing and it sounds like Theo misses Vincent so much! Poor little guy...just thinking about him wanting to go to heaven to be with his brother...I don't know how you handled his little hurts. We will keep praying for him too!

I'll be in touch...praying for you!

Rebecca said...

Thanks Anita,
I hope it's nothing too! I had an ultrasound already, and everything seemed to be OK, but they want a mammogram just to be as sure as possible. Ouch! :) And thanks for praying for Theo too. It makes me feel even worse to see him so sad! Today we went to the beach and tried to cheer him up. He loves flowers, so we've been bringing them to Vincent's grave each week and keeping some in the house as well (right now it's giant sunflowers.) He seems to really like that!