Sunday, January 22, 2012

This Moving Train

...It's been a while.

In the past couple months of my blogging hiatus we've observed Vincent's one-year passing anniversary as well as the anniversary of his burial and the break-in.  We've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and the new year.  I've been hired as the praise band leader & choir director at the little Lutheran church down the street.  We've made new friends and acquaintances. Once a week I get to watch the sweetest baby for our friends who also live nearby.  And there are other employment possibilities looming around the corner.

My life is going on, continuing to evolve, move forward.

And yet I sort of want it to stop.  For a few months now it seems that all around me renewal, new life, and even optimism have been growing, slowly gaining momentum, and in the process I've been caught up in the surge of a new beginning.  As wonderful as it is to see a new future on the horizon, I find myself increasingly wishing to have the old one back. I wish my other life, the one where I had two sons that were 22 months apart -yes, that one- was possible.  I wish I could have Vincent back with us, healthy and growing, I wish all the people that I meet and befriend would know him, (or at least understand the depths of my pain.) I'd trade everything for my old life, the one where I was relatively unafraid, where I felt safe, cared for, where I was surrounded by all my children.


Anita said...

I know that we cannot really imagine the feelings you're having to face on a daily basis. We look in from the outside and think moving on is key, and yet you live on the inside in a world that seems foreign to us. Vincent will forever be a part of who you are and everyone that knows you or comes to know you, will know about his life, because you will keep his memory alive. It's okay...


Anonymous said...

i love you friend... It sounds like there will be a surplus of Gems for Vincent! <3 hugs

Anonymous said...

This past Sunday I watched the DVD from Vinnie's memorial service. Then I cried my guts out. I know what you mean about new beginnings and new hope and all...I know too the depths of missing him. It's not possible to forget him no matter how many years will go by. I know I'll see him again and I want him to be proud of me when I many times I think, "This is for you Vinnie..."