Friday, November 18, 2011

Denial

Yes, it's been a while.

But you see, I've been avoiding certain things, and when I say certain things, I really mean anything grief-related.  This past month I've been pretending to myself that I'm just the mom of one really nice four year old who's blessed enough to stay home, craft, bake and preach. (And part of that is true!) I've been pretending that my life is really going well, that I feel great inside, that nothing huge or no one essential is missing.

These days I do my crying in the middle of the night while sleeping, accidentally waking myself up from sobbing.  Because I'm not unhappy.  In fact, I'm absolutely fine.

So I tell myself.

Again and again.

No really, I'm doing great.

This past year since Vincent died I have done some serious grief work.  Up till now I have faced my wounds head-on, dealt with hosts of secondary losses in stride and worked from rage to a somewhat reluctant acceptance.  But now that the anniversary of Vincent's passing looms before me, I am pissed.  Angry.  Mad.  Furious.  I suppose I should be happy that Vincent had a place to go when he died, that he passed from being in my arms to being in Jesus' presence.  I should be glad that one day I'll be reunited with him, that nothing again will ever part us.  I should be thankful that at least my marriage is secure, my other child healthy.  But no, I'm angry.  In the words of the longtime news anchor Howard Beale from the 1976 film Network, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

Once again, the source of my deepest pain is laid open.  And let me tell you, this wound stinks.

But for now I'll ignore it.  I'll bury myself in tons of sewing.  I may even write a few prayers.  But they'll be happy prayers, because I'm fine.  Really, why wouldn't I be?



6 comments:

Anita said...

Oh Rebecca, don't ignore it dear one. You don't have to pretend you're okay. We want to know what is really going on, so we can pray...so you can be yourself. ((((HUGS))))

Abba Father, surround Rebecca today with Your loving arms. Let her know that You know her hurt and pain. I believe You want to touch her and heal her. Vincent was here for such a short time and Rebecca and her family have such a deep hurt and sorrow because he is gone from earth. I ask that you would give new hope as You pour in Your healing balm. Send some sense of Your knowing exactly what Rebecca is going through, today, and a comfort beyond what she has experienced before now. In Your Name, Amen.

AGohl said...

Lord Jesus, I pray that, as we come upon this Christmas season, you would meet with Rebecca, that you would bring healing and peace to her heart. You who knows so well the hurt and pain that is in her heart, we pray that your love will envelop her and bring her comfort.

We love you guys Rebecca... and are praying!

Marissa Burt said...

We are praying for you and will be thinking of you this weekend. Courage+

Aunt Gloria said...

I've been thinking about you since November began, knowing the one-year anniversary is coming....my mother-in-law also passed away last November, the night before Thanksgiving. She was 80. That's expected. Of course we miss her. But a little child? It's just so hard to understand. Bless you, Dan and little Theo. We love you and pray for you.

The Common Loon said...

Yes, I've been feeling blue this week too.

Although Network is a classic film. We need to watch it again sometime.

rebecca @ older and wisor said...

My heart aches for you, even though we've never met. May you have the strength to make it through this tough time...