Monday, July 18, 2011

Rainbows and Prayers

"Lord, I want to know your ways more and more... This is my cry; give me an endless love and thirst for you... That is my cry to you forever, Amen.       Yours only, Rebecca Holmes"                  
-Diary excerpt dated March 18, 1993  (I was 11 years old)

Last week during his nightly prayers Theo asked God to send him a rainbow, preferably soon.

I thought to myself, "Good thing we live in Hawaii!" and promptly informed him that he would be seeing a rainbow sometime during the weekend.  I was sure of it.

On Saturday while driving to Costco, we saw it, slightly foggy and indistinct, but as we rode along the colors became increasingly bright, almost sharp, and ten minutes later it was a full-fledged rainbow stretching across the sky complete with a double.  Yup, there were two of them. 

Theo was ecstatic.  I was happy his prayer was answered.  Theo thanked God and Vincent for sending him the rainbow(s) and then informed us that when he goes to heaven he's going to make it rain for a long while.  Great.  Double great.  

These days Theo seems to be talking a lot about when he gets sick and dies and goes to heaven like his brother.  I've had "rational" conversations with him where I informed him of the low probability of death for a child his age.  We talked about statistics, how most kids in our country don't get cancer.  At other times I've tried different approaches - we've discussed how it is to miss someone you love, how it hurts to wait to see them, but today when he brought up the topic of his death yet AGAIN, I felt like having a fit.  I don't like having conversations with our 4 year old son about his OWN death.  I don't EVER want to think about it, EVER!  I hope I'm long gone before he kicks the can.  So today, when Theo brought up the topic of dying, I felt like having a very angry talk where I would inform him - yes, instruct him - that he was NOT going to die anytime soon, much less get SICK and die, that I was simply NOT going to allow it.  Because I can control things like that, dag nabit! 

Only I can't.  Obviously.  And that stinks.   

Perhaps at the end of my story I'll be able to look back and see how all along my life was an exercise in surrender - the surrender of control, ambition, treasure.  And how with each surrendering, each large and small death, I was brought nearer to the heart of God, the one who lost (and then gained!) it all.

That would be an answer to one of my earliest prayers.  


Jan said...

Becca..theo is an amazing inquisitive little guy..i think that you handle it each day in such an eloquent way. It is hard to be mom to a normal child sometimes! After what you went through with vinnie, these conversations are maginified..i am happy that he got his you guys...

Anonymous said...

It always surprises me how quickly it seems God answers simple little prayers...I've seen it time and time again with my children. Then there are the prayers that it seems like He doesn't hear...answers don't come...and we don't seem to see what we're looking for even after praying and praying. It puts me in a quandary.

I pray that Theo can understand and that Momma would have the patience and grace to impart exactly what his little heart and mind need until that time.

And then, that you would indeed have your prayer answered. (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

This post made me cry...and laugh...then cry and smile and laugh again, then cry. It's good for a little kid to think about heaven so much, and getting sick and dieing is the only way he knows of to get there. As he grows he'll find out there are other ways to get there but its great that he's looking beyond death to the reality of...heaven. My heart goes out to you though. It reminds me of when you and your sister were little kids and you would ask me questions like, "what happens if our plane crashes?" when we were somewhere at 30,000 ft. over the Pacific on a NW flight...that's when I stopped sitting next to you kids on planes.

Kristin said...

You write so beautifully, and with such heartfelt emotion. I love this post, and I love how much Theo believes and trusts in God.

Your prayers this week were so beautiful as well. Thank you for sharing of yourself.